Published:
02/18/2014 01:38pm
Conscious Parenting: Compliments That Work
“Wow! You have done a good job cleaning up this mess,” exclaimed Gary’s father, John. “You really are getting to be good at cleaning! I’m proud of you, Gary.” Gary responded: “Stop it, Dad! Don’t say such mean things to me.”
Kate, a family friend, drove Amy to preschool. Amy, in a beautiful blue frock, ruffled and lacy, had her blond hair carefully combed. Kate offered this compliment as she buckled Amy into her car seat: “Amy, you look beautiful today. Your dress is really pretty and your hair is, too!” Amy responded, with a deep frown: “Stop talkin’ to me like that!”
Adults often wonder why
they have difficulty receiving compliments. The roots for this are most often found in childhood. What is it about these compliments which is difficult for Gary or for Amy? Certainly they seem thoughtful and heartfelt. Though a child may have a personal problem that prevents the acceptance of positive feedback, the way compliments are stated or delivered can also make them difficult to receive.
A Parents’ Job Parents are assistants. Their job is to assist a child to grow and develop in such a way that the child is enabled to go forward into a satisfying and productive adult life.
“Assisting” is a fine art, as any self-respecting English butler can attest. While called upon to be present, to offer opinions, to make decisions and to set personal limits, the “assistant” must also be able to fade into the background, be unassuming, and arrange things so that those assisted feel both powerful and good.
Giving a compliment is part of this “art.” A satisfactory compliment must be: 1) heartfelt and sincere; 2) personal; 3) specific; 4) freely given; and 5) non-manipulative, and sometimes, not delivered directly.
What Is a Compliment? Compliments, like criticisms, are stated opinions of the person making the compliment. Compliments do not necessarily reflect reality or agree with the receiver’s perception. They are a vehicle for passing positive energy between and among people.
Kate’s compliment, “You look beautiful…” is her judgment of Amy’s appearance. What she is really saying is: “You look beautiful to me.” Without stating that clearly, however, she may be putting Amy in a difficult position. If, for example, Amy has been forced to wear a blue dress she hates, looking “beautiful” in it will not feel good to her. Similarly, if Amy is angry and experiences her feelings as “ugly,” this compliment will place her in a quandary. For a very young child not used to this type of direct feedback, the energy sent by Kate could also feel overwhelming, and would thus be rejected.
Gary, on the other hand, is a sensitive child whose sense of mastery and capability is much greater than that possible for his little body. The judgment that he is “good at cleaning” feels like a put-down to him. Unless the compliment is framed as John’s clear opinion, Gary will reject his positive input, choosing to do without the compliment in favor of feeling more equal to his Dad.
Compliments can also be used to manipulate children into doing things adults want. Knowing there is a price to pay for positive feedback automatically creates resistance. Messages such as “You did that well, so next time I will expect even better,” or “You are a good hugger—come hug me!” will be rebuffed, if at all possible (and rightly so!). Be careful not to mix your appreciation and compliments with expectations for performance.
Compliments That Work John says to Gary: “Wow, I am impressed with the way you have cleaned up this mess! I see that you put all the toys away, cleared off the desk, and took your laundry to be washed. I really feel happy. I like the way you have cleaned up here. What you have done is very helpful in our family!” John talks of his feeling, relating his personal reaction to Gary’s behavior. He is specific about what he likes and does not trap Gary manipulatively. He also relates Gary’s efforts to the good of the whole, the family, which can increase Gary’s sense of belonging. Even though John is interested in reinforcing Gary’s cleaning behavior for future performance, this heartfelt and specific compliment is unburdened with expectation and easy to receive. Gary beams.
Kate delivers this feedback: “I love the way you look today, Amy. I like the way your hair looks next to that color blue. Looking at you feels good to me.” Amy looks a little askance, but does not order Kate to stop!
No matter what your position or body size, this kind of compliment feels good and is easy to accept. Parents want to encourage their children with words that allow them to feel proud, good, equal, not overwhelmed and respected. Your careful observation and choice can make all the difference.
