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Steve Alten

Steve Alten is a NY Times and international best-selling author of 16 novels, including the MEG series, about Megalodon, the 70-foot prehistoric Great White shark. MEG was just greenlit as a major motion picture by Warner Bros. Alten is also founder and director of Adopt-An-Author, a nationwide free...

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06/13/2015 12:18pm

by L.A. Knight
The key to any successful male-female relationship involves communication. Unfortunately, men and women think differently and often seem to communicate in different languages… just like humans and animals.
Men are dogs … and we like it that way.
The idea to that the American male can be domesticated using dog training principles sprang from my own marriage and the training experiences I had when I hired two different trainers to train our German Shepherd. As a married man I find that my wife often treats me like a dumb animal. Let's face it, the average American male would rather sit on the couch all day, have sex, and watch football between naps. Who among us hasn’t performed for a treat, peed on a tree, dry-humped a woman’s leg, howled at the moon, stuck his nose in a groin or two, or inspected his own bowel movement before flushing? As a dog owner, I know that when we had our dogs trained they became more content, were less anxious, and they even lost weight. I say bring it on. . . just go easy on the electrical shock collar.
How is training a man like training a dog?
Men are simple creatures – we essentially want sex, food, and to watch football. Give us what we want and domestication is possible. Changing your partner’s behavior means reconditioning. This begins with allowing the man to believe he is the Alpha dog, when in fact women have been sexually endowed with the ability to train and control their spouse.
There are essentially two dog training methods and we’ve used both. The first is the reward system, a cookie for each proper response. As our first trainer explained to my wife after I made a mess of the powder room towel, "the only difference between training a man and a dog is that a dog can lick its own balls." Thus began our little social experiment and I fell into line like an obedient mongrel.
However, the reward system has its limitations. Training a dog to give you its paw and lie down on command is nice, but it’s far from protecting the house or sniffing out bombs. That's when you have to employ “obedience training.”
Will Dog Training work on women?

No. Women are more like cats - independent-minded. You can teach dogs a lot, but a man cannot teach a woman. Ever try herding cats?

L.A. Knight is the author of DOG TRAINING THE AMERICAN MALE (Taylor Trade) and the comedic pseudonym for NY Times best-selling author Steve Alten. http://www.amazon.com/Dog-Training-American-Male-Novel/dp/163076017X%3FSubscriptionId%3DAKIAIXFKFJI6IH6DO5KQ%26tag%3Dkirkus-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D163076017X


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