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Tonja Evetts Weimer

Relationship expert Tonja Evetts Weimer is an acclaimed newspaper columnist, speaker and author of the new book, Thriving After Divorce: Transforming your life when a relationship ends. This inspiring book gives people clear action steps to move toward hope and healing when a significant relationshi...

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Tonja Evetts Weimer


Michelle Tennant


11/16/2010 05:06pm
What Are You Waiting For?

“Waiting for the fish to bite and waiting for wind to fly a kite. Waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.” – Dr. Seuss

Are you waiting to meet someone special? Are you waiting to fall in love? Are you tired of waiting to find your soul mate? If you're single...and you're honest...the answer to that would be a big yes!
But the dream of falling in love is accompanied by a lot of MYTHS that keep us in a perpetual state of waiting. Some predominant ones are:
Love should just happen...you shouldn't have to go looking for it.

Are you waiting for that myth to come true? Do you think you can keep showing up at work, or hanging out with your friends and family, over and over, and expect that dream to happen? Do you feel like there is something wrong with you because it hasn't happened yet? This myth is so deeply embedded in our culture some people are embarrassed to even admit they’d like to find someone. But if you believe in this fairy tale, the odds are, you are going to always be...waiting.

Prince (or Princess) Charming is going to ride into your life at any minute.

This myth would have you believe that you don't have to do anything to meet someone. You could be sitting on your couch with the cat and a bag of Doritos, and he will come galloping up, swoop you into loving arms, and whisk you away to a happy life. Are you secretly waiting for this? Didn't your mother tell you that if some guy comes riding up to your house on a white horse, wearing ballet tights and a feather in his hat...you'd better lock the doors! Waiting to meet Prince Charming without the knowledge and skills of understanding if he is the right one is a setup to a relationship of disappointment.

You need to lose X amount of pounds, save some money, get cosmetic surgery, etc. first.

Is this what's holding you back from having the life you want? If it is, haven't you noticed that people who are much larger, poorer, and have much bigger noses than you do have a relationship? Are you truly working toward a realistic goal of when you'll be ready to date...or, do you have some extraordinary excuses? I once had a client who told me she couldn't get out to date because she couldn't leave her dog. The dog got too upset, cried when she put her coat on and tried to bite her. I asked her, "So what is it you're waiting for? Your dog to die? Have you considered obedience training?" Essentially, she was attached to this reason because it was easier than facing her fears, learning new skills, and ultimately, taking responsibility for her own happiness.

Here's my response to all reasons, excuses, fears, ambivalence, logic, and confusion in meeting someone you could spend your life with: it takes work. It takes the kind of work and actions that you can learn.

And what is it that is so embarrassing about working for what you want? Did you earn your degrees, or did someone give them to you? Did you need to learn some skills for your profession, or did you just wake up one morning knowing everything? Having a relationship and being in love is clearly one of the most important issues in a person's life. Do you think you deserve to learn how to achieve it? Consider these questions:

• Are you crystal clear about who and what you are looking for? If not, make a list of your absolute requirements for a mate.
• Do you know the hidden secrets of attraction that you can learn and use effectively? Begin with Like Attracts Like and become the person you are looking for.
• Do you understand what messages you are sending with your body language? Study what comprises body language and learn to use it properly. For instance, did you know that crossed arms means “don’t come near”?
• Have you developed a vision for what you want your life and relationship to look like? It helps to have a picture of what you want before you take the actions to get it.
• Do you underst


dating, relationships, love, breaking up, divorce, settling down, letting go, healing, dating over 40
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