Published:

04/28/2012 10:03pm

Responding to Difficult Behaviors With a Different Approach to Time Out

All children want to be good and please their caretakers. Young children don't PLAN to misbehave or fall apart. When a child has an emotional meltdown it signals they are having trouble controlling their emotions, especially when the demands of the environment exceed their current ability to cope. Handling emotional outbursts may seem daunting yet there are many proactive things parents can do to manage and reduce temper tantrums.

When we dissect temper tantrums we often find they result from frustrations that can lead to anger or total loss of control. Anger and frustration are natural emotions, they are neither good nor bad, they simply exist, as do happiness and love. When you enter the world of a child with Autism, you may find that despite some language ability, he or she may have a difficult time making you understand what she or he needs or wants. The other possibility of course is experiencing sensory overload, which needs to be taken into consideration.

Children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) desire to become effective communicators and more self-sufficient but they often lack the skills necessary to do so. Even neuro-typical children feel confused, helpless and lost in our adult world at times. As parents we need to teach our children, instructing them to develop appropriate ways to cope and training them to become self-sufficient. Anger management has to be taught, no one is born with it.

There are many tactics experts suggest parents use when they are faced with difficult behaviors:

• Telling children to stop - while communicating what you want them to do instead.

• Teaching the steps for anger management, including identification of feelings.

• Distraction (age appropriate) - humor, passions, hugs, point to schedule, etc

• Ignoring - no encouragement, leaving the room, etc

• De-escalation - using counting, deep breathing, etc

• Using time-out - sending children to their room.

For the annoying and irritating behaviors that children often exhibit I always encourage parents to use the last one, time-out, as a last resort and learn to use it appropriately. Unfortunately, time-out is often overused and therefore ineffective so it is important to decide what behaviors you want to use it for. Sending kids to time-out for all misbehaviors will dilute its effectiveness and may even create resentment in a child - being ostracized to your room while in turmoil does very little to teach any child how to behave better.

I encourage parents to use time-out ONLY for emotional meltdowns and temper tantrums, and I suggest redefining the entire concept. Throw away the word time-out, call it something else and create a different approach. Here are some suggestions for creating and implementing a new and improved, yet successful alternative to using time-out.

If interested in experimenting with a new form of time-out, first take a step back and reflect: What am I using time-out for? What is our goal? Are we using it to correct behavior or to punish or is there something else at play here? Based on your values, it is important to take some time to get clear on the purpose and the outcome you desire. The correct purpose of time-out should be for a child to learn how to calm down and eventually self-soothe.

Young children who misbehave, get angry and upset enough to have a temper tantrum need to learn self-calming skills BUT not in the heat of the moment. No brain - adult or child, typical or neuro-typical - can take in information and act upon it when in the heat of emotional despair or uncontrollable rage. Trying to reason with or scold a child who is in the midst of a temper tantrum is futile. Instead,

- Consider creating a 'feel better' place, a safe place that can replace typical time-out. This could be a beanbag in the kitchen, an arm chair in the living room, a corner of the family room OR the child's bedroom as long as it is not seen as punitive. Identify such a place for everyone in the family and make sure it is customized to each person's needs, temperaments a