Published:
10/15/2011 08:33pm
Bullying: Problem Solving Skills Trump Punishment
While consistent consequences are essential to correct behavior, punishment and isolating the bully often prevents him from developing compassion and sensitivity as he remains unaware of the pain inflicted upon the target. The exception is the "iceberg bully" who tends not to learn from his transgressions and seems hardwired to be violent. Removal from the environment for the safety of others is thus essential. With many bullies, however, teaching problems solving skills and responsibility for one's behavior may be the most constructive solution.
Tips to Convert Bullies into Buddies:
1. Behavior modification results from learning, correcting and changing behavior. The bully is expected to examine himself, his behaviors, and the consequences his behavior has had on others as well as the harm done to himself. Generally, bullies lack foresight and thus their reflection and awareness of how they became a victim of their own actions is essential for change to occur. Although the decision-making center in the brain is still under construction, we can learn to tame impulses and make wise choices.
2. The bully must claim ownership of the problem. Bullies tend to project their issues onto the victims and blame others for their unfortunate circumstances.
3. The bully must develop problem-solving skills. She is required to find ways to "fix it," prevent future episodes and participate in the healing process of the bullied.
4. There is hope for change when bullies rewrite their scripts and channel their energies into positive outlets, leaving dignity is intact.
The Fear Factor
Like parenting, there are a dozen different approaches recommended for what actions will be the most effective to control problems of aggression. When it comes to intervention, it is not a one-size fits all situation because all people are not alike and neither are all bullies. If there were a simple solution, the problem would not have grown into what many have called an epidemic.
Many of you believe that scaring the heck out of the bully by using fear or aggression is the answer. Well, it is effective for some, but it only lasts for as long as fear is flashing in his face. You also have to know what they fear and expulsion from school is rarely something that is feared by the bully. In fact, it is often viewed as a reward as most bullies are not concerned about how missing science class will mess up their grade point average. Punitive approaches require constant supervision to catch the bully at the right time and a full time security guard can be expensive.
Schools must take action. A mother was distraught when her son was threatened by several students and school authorities said nothing could be done without witnesses. Her son now faces expulsion because he took a knife with him to school for protection. The system needs to provide protection, not guns and knives. While her son is being expelled, the bullies continue to harass others.
Do Rules Work Without Religion
Interesting research reveals what changes behavior. In the past when religion was more of an active part of people's lives, the fear of being accountable to our Maker and the wrath of God made it more convincing to love thy neighbor as thyself. Heaven, not hell, became a goal and all religions had some clear commandments that needed to be followed to get through those pearly gates. It was a form of supernatural supervision.
Recently a study was done on how people conformed to the rules when supervised. As you might guess, there was less obedience when the test group was left without supervision. However, when they were told there was a supernatural force that was observing their behavior and they would be held accountable, the conformity to social mores was just as high as when there was an actual supervisor in the room.
Since religion is less of an influence in society today, we are fighting some basic instincts without the superego that religion once provided. Many of you are respectful of the rights of others and
