Pitchrate | Tips to Become a Bully Buster

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Edie Raether

Edie Raether, MS, CSP, is a change strategist, international speaker, author and wellness consultant. Visit her at www.raether.com or contact her at edie@raether.com.

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Wings for Wishes

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10/15/2011 08:38pm
Tips to Become a Bully Buster

As a family therapist I integrated some of the principles of Transactional Analysis into my practice. Many of you will remember TA from the books I’m Okay You’re Okay and Games People Play. The Drama Triangle was used to illustrate the roles people play, why they play them and the dysfunctional dynamics they create in our relationships. For example, the person who plays the rescuer can then become the victim; for when one role shifts, they all do. This model has relevance to the dysfunction seen in the cycles of bullying.
The Drama Triangle is a model of dysfunctional social interaction, created by psychotherapist Stephen Karpman. Each point on the triangle represents a common and ineffective response to conflict, one more likely to prolong disharmony than to end it. Participants in a drama triangle create misery for themselves and others.
By applying the physical principles of the martial arts to the psychological realm, you can transform this lose-lose situation and create a more positive outcome for everyone. Each player in this particular mind game begins by assuming one of three archetypical roles:

Victims are helpless and hopeless. They deny responsibility for their negative circumstances, and they deny possession of the power to change them.

Rescuers are constantly applying short-term repairs to a Victim’s problems, while neglecting their own needs.

Persecutors blame the Victims and criticize the enabling behavior of Rescuers without providing guidance, assistance or a solution to the underlying problem.

Players sometimes alternate roles during the course of a game. For example, a Rescuer pushed too far by a Persecutor will switch to the role of Victim or counter-Persecutor. As a bully buster, you do need to intervene and take action, but you must be careful not to get hooked into any of these roles that perpetuate the dysfunctional dynamics of the bully, the bullied and the bystander. You must be proactive, but not reactive. You must be assertive, but not passive nor aggressive.

Breaking the Cycles of Bullying

Once your school has policies in place, there are things you can do directly to break the cycle of violence and bullying. Here are a few practical tips and action steps parents and educators must take.

1. Accept no excuses. Reasons, yes, but not excuses. Too frequently, even the parents of the bully will find solace in their own denial and defend the unacceptable behavior with clichés like “boys will be boys.” Now what does that mean? If you are born with testosterone, you have the right to be violent and aggressive? The boys who are rough and tough are the ones who were given permission and often encouragement to reach their manhood with aggression. How outrageous is that!

2. No, it’s not a joke and it’s not funny if the person who is the brunt of the joke isn’t laughing. Good humor reflects extraordinary creativity and a higher level of intelligence. Putdowns and making fun of others is insensitive and demonstrates a serious lack of emotional intelligence. Do not tolerate it.

3. No justification. Just because everyone else is doing it does not make it right. That is why our social norms seem to be on a constant decline. At some point, right is right and wrong is wrong. Hitler created a new social norm that led to the execution of over six million Jews. It is an insanity that each of us must confront immediately. By lowering the bar we are inviting the problems we seek to solve.

4. Context must be considered. Yes, this country honors freedom of speech, but when our country’s fathers declared free speech it was not with the intent to support cyberbullying and harassment.

5. Get a moral code of ethics in place. While you may have the “right,” it may not necessarily be the right thing to do. People do, however, have a right to dignity and respect.

6. Stomp out egocentricity. Narcissism and self-centered-ness never serve society well. Giving your child love and support does not mean you give them t

Keywords

cyber bullying, school bullying, anti bullying, stop bullying, what is bullying, bullying definition, bullying suicide, bullying facts
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